Words of Life

I love writing. I love talking. But of those two, I am definitely more effective at communicating with my written words. I've used my words to uplift, to encourage, to heal and inspire. I've also used my words to inflict pain, to seek revenge and most unfortunately, to destroy relationships. The last one was most often unintentional in my conscious mind, but there are times where my anger takes me to places of evil in my mind that I don't even know exist until that moment. I lash out verbally with words that cut straight to the heart and after the heated moment has passed, I literally forget anything I had said in my anger. 

It's kind of ridiculous really. I remember reading one of my friend's statuses saying something about not understanding how someone could purposely inflict harm on another person. I can tell you, for me, it's easy. I am a master in vengeful actions and speech. I really can't explain how or why I became this way. The duality of mind that I experience is semi-present in all of us, but I seem to have reached an unconscious division that includes memory repression. The essential coping mechanism I exist on is "eye for an eye" which is horribly mistranslated in believing the literal meaning of the text, but occasionally I do. 
What happens is that I am acutely sensitive to the words of other people. 99% of the time when I feel piqued or pained it is due to what someone has said to me. I take words completely literal at all times. Sarcasm is a bitch, really. In public arenas I am a little more tuned in to when someone is making a joke or a slight deviation from the truth, in humor. Mostly because others are laughing...that's usually a pretty big clue. One on one with someone though, all sarcasm filtering shuts off. I hate how sensitive I am. Especially with my husband. I know it confuses him so much when I laugh at his jokes and sly comments with our friends and then at home I cry in the same situation because I feel personally insulted. EVERYTHING is a personal insult. If he disagrees with me, if he doesn't like what I like, if he makes a joke about something I watch or do. In retrospect, it's all dumb. All of our fights are about inconsequential issues. 

I am in search of a therapy or a source of knowledge that can retrain my mind to know who is for me and who is against me. I know my husband loves me; I know my family loves me. I know I have scores of friends who care for me and enjoy spending time with me. What it stems to is my low level of confidence in myself. After so many years of feeling judged for my mental illness, I assume that everyone hates me and doesn't care about me. I do have many reasons to feel this way, but the truth is...there are not many people in my circle of influences at the current time who judge me and see me in a negative light. I have come a long way since I was 19 and I deserve to live as such. 

In the past year, I have received life-giving words. I have experienced joys I never thought I would know. I have returned to my church home and found a family. I tear up just thinking about it. I really don't know why I strayed away for so long. It has been a blessing to be reunited with past friends and make some new ones. The words of Christ believers have led me back to the source of everlasting life. 

A few days ago I found a Bible that is divided into 365 sections so that you can read the Bible through in a year. I will be doing this with my husband and I couldn't be more excited! 

I pray that these words of life will return to me my identity in my God and Savior and that because of that identity I will never again succumb to the devil's lying whispers that I am worthless and judged by the world.