Beautifully Different

Sometimes I feel it's stupid.
Sometimes I think it truly helps.
The truth is I am convinced that TV dramas,
(specifically Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy) 
help heal my wounds and process the trauma in my life.

To me, death is a common thing. 
I've been to more funerals in my life than weddings. 
I've watched more people die than seeing the birth of new life.

My reality, my "normal", is that people always leave; whether they move, cease conversation, or pass on from this life completely.
It hurts, it always hurts.
You better believe my trust is near impossible to fully gain.

I live in constant fear that those I love and care about will disappear at any moment. 
I know this is not realistic. 
I know this is depressing. 
But with all the loss in my life, can you blame me for thinking this way?

I may be the smartest, most motivated, most energetic, most musically talented woman I know. I'm a great teacher, a sacrificial giver, and I'm honest to a fault....
BUT
None of that matters when my emotional being has not grown past my 9 yr old self.

The outward perfection I strive to achieve everyday is the cover I use to outweigh my indescribable need for love and reassurance.

People have coined the term "abandonment wound". 
I wish my parents, my family, my friends...
I wish they would've thought about how they'd be crushing my poor fragile heart.

I wish my dad would've put me first.

Click the following link for info on~~~> Losing my Parents

For my own sake, I came to a point where I wrote a letter in red sharpie at 13 yrs old saying
"Dad, I forgive you for what you did"
But planning my wedding without my mom; IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
Not having my dad walk me down the aisle; THAT'S NOT FAIR!

As I watch Private Practice/Grey's there's always a child who loses a parent or families reuniting from miraculous healing. I don't know why, but watching families being torn apart or put back together...in some weird way, it satisfies me.
I like crying.
That probably makes me weird.

I'm not depressed, though I do suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 
I think it took me 16 years to finally start processing the hurt and pain I've pushed away for 2/3 of my life and honestly...IT SUCKS!
It sucks for me, it sucks for Justin, it sucks for anyone that I let in close to my life.

My passionate nature has manifested itself as anger lately. 
I throw tantrums like a 5 year old. 
I scream like a frustrated teenager and on top of all that, 
I parade myself around like a confident 35 year old professional.

Confusion at the highest degree!!

Now I am in the best time of my life. 
Justin has been my saving grace.
He is my joy.
He is my patience.
He tells me 50 times a day
"Everything will be ok"
He tells me 100 times a day
"Brittney, I love you"
He knows that's how much I need to hear those words. 
He knows I truly need to be reassured at all times!
I thank God that life is not about coincidences. 
Justin and I didn't meet at school or work or through mutual friends. 
We met at a pool hall (Fast Eddies).
We happened to be at the same place at the same time the first week of Oct 2012. 
Then exactly a month later same place, same time and we exchanged numbers.

To learn more how I met the love of my life click here ~~~> How Justin and I Met

We both knew
Something was different
Beautifully different
Everyday with Justin is a blessing

This is my chance to have a stable family.
This is my one and only opportunity to make life worth living in abundant joy.

I hope and pray that I will humble myself every day and acknowledge the gift I've been given in

Justin Travis Schmitt

My mom would've loved him...