Words of Life

I love writing. I love talking. But of those two, I am definitely more effective at communicating with my written words. I've used my words to uplift, to encourage, to heal and inspire. I've also used my words to inflict pain, to seek revenge and most unfortunately, to destroy relationships. The last one was most often unintentional in my conscious mind, but there are times where my anger takes me to places of evil in my mind that I don't even know exist until that moment. I lash out verbally with words that cut straight to the heart and after the heated moment has passed, I literally forget anything I had said in my anger. 

It's kind of ridiculous really. I remember reading one of my friend's statuses saying something about not understanding how someone could purposely inflict harm on another person. I can tell you, for me, it's easy. I am a master in vengeful actions and speech. I really can't explain how or why I became this way. The duality of mind that I experience is semi-present in all of us, but I seem to have reached an unconscious division that includes memory repression. The essential coping mechanism I exist on is "eye for an eye" which is horribly mistranslated in believing the literal meaning of the text, but occasionally I do. 
What happens is that I am acutely sensitive to the words of other people. 99% of the time when I feel piqued or pained it is due to what someone has said to me. I take words completely literal at all times. Sarcasm is a bitch, really. In public arenas I am a little more tuned in to when someone is making a joke or a slight deviation from the truth, in humor. Mostly because others are laughing...that's usually a pretty big clue. One on one with someone though, all sarcasm filtering shuts off. I hate how sensitive I am. Especially with my husband. I know it confuses him so much when I laugh at his jokes and sly comments with our friends and then at home I cry in the same situation because I feel personally insulted. EVERYTHING is a personal insult. If he disagrees with me, if he doesn't like what I like, if he makes a joke about something I watch or do. In retrospect, it's all dumb. All of our fights are about inconsequential issues. 

I am in search of a therapy or a source of knowledge that can retrain my mind to know who is for me and who is against me. I know my husband loves me; I know my family loves me. I know I have scores of friends who care for me and enjoy spending time with me. What it stems to is my low level of confidence in myself. After so many years of feeling judged for my mental illness, I assume that everyone hates me and doesn't care about me. I do have many reasons to feel this way, but the truth is...there are not many people in my circle of influences at the current time who judge me and see me in a negative light. I have come a long way since I was 19 and I deserve to live as such. 

In the past year, I have received life-giving words. I have experienced joys I never thought I would know. I have returned to my church home and found a family. I tear up just thinking about it. I really don't know why I strayed away for so long. It has been a blessing to be reunited with past friends and make some new ones. The words of Christ believers have led me back to the source of everlasting life. 

A few days ago I found a Bible that is divided into 365 sections so that you can read the Bible through in a year. I will be doing this with my husband and I couldn't be more excited! 

I pray that these words of life will return to me my identity in my God and Savior and that because of that identity I will never again succumb to the devil's lying whispers that I am worthless and judged by the world. 

It's Not What I Do...It's Who I Am

I have loved music for as long as my mind can recall. Whether I was singing and dancing as a toddler or banging at the keys as a preschooler, the very core of who I am has been solidified with musical building blocks. 

My mother had me in dance at 3 years old; and I was a cute little ballerina :) I started piano lessons at 6 years old and thus my musical life began. When my parents died 3 years later I don't remember continuing lessons, but I definitely kept playing. Though in my 25 1/2 years of life I've only had 7 years of lessons, I've always been a persistent learner of my instrument. I believe being self-taught has given me skills and insights that I would not otherwise have had. 

The thought of making music a career didn't even cross my mind until my senior year of high school. Even then I entered the University of Nebraska-Lincoln as a nursing major and didn't get into the music education program until my sophomore year. 2008 ranks pretty high on the "most difficult years of my life" chart. That year started with the end of a 3 year relationship that we both believed was going to end in marriage. In school, I had difficult classes, I was in several campus activity groups, I was active in my church, and decided with everything else... that I should put together a memorized 45 minute solo piano recital of all my music I had been working on the past 3 semesters. Everything seemed to be going very well for me, the one who never learned the concept of free time and relaxation. I say 2008 was particularly difficult for one main reason...this was the year I was diagnosed bipolar. For those who knew me high school, I'm sure you can guess I lean towards the manic spectrum of this disorder. Both were present though.

In the weeks leading up to my diagnosis, my close friends and family could tell something was not right, but I don't think anyone could really put their finger on it. In preparation for my piano recital I would practice 4-5 hours straight with only breaks to put my wrists under the water fountain to chill them out. Didn't really eat much. Then I became obsessive about working out at UNL's recreation center. Lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I came to believe I no longer needed sleep to function. 2-3 hours was about my max for those 3 weeks. That should've been a clue; anyone will go crazy without sleep. But I didn't share my sleep habits, or lack thereof, with anyone. To add to the madness, I started reading Ruth, Isaiah, and Ezekiel through my sleepless nights. I was convinced I was a prophet of God and it was my duty to the world to tell my friends and family what they were suppose to do and how to obey the word of the LORD (that I was proclaiming). I was convinced I was suppose to reenact the book of Ruth. And I didn't keep this to myself, I remember having lunch with one of my best friend's mom's and telling her my destiny to be Ruth in modern day. I told one of my friends that she was suppose to conceive the second coming messiah. I haven't talked in depth with any of these people about how what I was saying made them felt, but from my recollection they were either going along with what I was saying to prevent any hysterical outbreaks, or I think some of my friends may have slightly given credence to the heretical words I was speaking. If there is any truth to demonic possession in the present day, I do not doubt that's what that was. I remember having an old bulletin to my church and calling the head of the prayer chain at 3am one morning. I have no idea what I said, but I was gone, lost my mind to never be found again gone.

After finals and my piano performance I went back home for the semester. I don't remember much except for my obsession with flora. I was planting things and cutting down existing plants like I was God himself ordaining what should live and die. After nearly destroying a palm tree in our backyard, my family made the decision to take me to the doctor. Dr. "Shoal Creek" sucks. I remember telling the social worker "There's nothing wrong with me! I was homecoming queen, everyone loves me. I promise all I need to love, sleep and chocolate" I refused to take the medication the nurses gave me every night and no one told me that was the only way to get out. After I finally decided to be medically compliant I was released to go home with a strict order to see a psychiatrist and therapist on a weekly basis until I could be fully stabilized. In that summer alone, I went thru at least a half dozen medication changes. All of them made me gain weight. By the next year I had gained 40 lbs (which I still have) :(

In 2009 I was able to reinstate my full tuition scholarship from UNL with written consent from my doctor that I was stable enough to attend school. Saying that didn't go well would be a great understatement. What my family and doctors didn't know was by the time I had returned to school that fall, I had been off my prescribed meds for 9 months. Guess I was a really good faker. But what was I suppose to do, the meds I was on made me suicidal and I had a doctor who refused to listen to my complaints and just gave me higher dosages of what I was already on. Just thinking about that I'm furious for her lack of care for me, as a psych patient, complaining of suicidal ideations...ugh whatever.

This psychotic relapse landed me in a treatment facility for 4 months in Lincoln, NE. I can't even describe the hell that was. And the 30 more pounds I gained there...yeah, that alone is just depressing.  What did result from that was coming home to find the best doctors EVER. In February of 2014 it will be 4 years since I've been in a hospital and that is hugely due to the fact that my therapist is available at the drop of a hat via email or text for whatever may be going wrong and my psychiatrist is from Venezuela. There's just something about her accent that puts a warmth in my heart every time I see her. They genuinely care for me as a patient, and a newlywed, and a music teacher. They help me to be productive in every area of my life.

Though I've finally accepted the idea that I can no longer mentally function, and participate in society, without my prescribed meds....there are days when I wonder. I wonder if fully detoxed I could regulate my chemical imbalance with more natural methods. Man, some of my most creative and productive times, at least musically, were when I was manic. I could play anything. I could compose anything. When I left one of the highest ranking choirs at my university, I was gonna sing a solo in which I sang the high C above the staff. If you know music, you know that's high. I feel like my potential has been damaged. I feel like my sole purpose in life is to make music. Part of me wonders if being bipolar is a curse or a punishment for my pride. I'll admit it, I was pretty damn proud of the things I had accomplished musically and I made sure everyone else knew that too. Compared to other musicians at UNL, I wasn't that important...but at home, I thought I was God's gift to the world. I remember asking my worship pastor at the time if I could play on stage and he firmly said that I had too much arrogance. I was furious; I didn't get it. I just wanted everyone to see how good I was...

I see it now.

Life is interesting though. Always keeps you guessing. Not in a million years did I think I'd be where I am today. Though I've had my setbacks, I am blessed beyond belief. I am married to an incredible man who has the heart of an angel. We have a home with no mortgage, he has a good job that provides insurance for both of us. I am fulfilling part of my dream by having my own music studio (15 students!). But I truly believe there's more. I know God has put these desires in my heart, and I know if we are faithful to seek Him and His will for out life, God is faithful to give us the desires of our heart. There's so many things I want to do!

For Christmas, I had wanted to talk to nursing homes about playing a Christmas set for the residents. I wanted to play in a department store, and at home Christmas parties. I want to play for weddings. But not only solo performances, I wish I had a group of friends to sit and make music together. I want to create songs, instrumental, vocal, anything. My heart beats music!

It's not just what I do...It's who I believe God created me to be!

When I was deeply studying the Hebrew scriptures, I said that I was from the line of David because my last name, Benavidez sounds like ben David, son of David. Well if that holds any credence, he is of the tribe of Judah which is who God called to praise and lead the 12 tribes in worship.

So my prayer is that my pride and arrogance would never again get in the way for God to use the gift and love of music He put in my heart to bring joy and peace to others. I also pray that pouring my heart out and intimate details of my mental recovery do not bring further judgement upon me than I already feel.

Thank you friends for sharing this life by my side whether just online or in person. Every person in my sphere of influence is important to me. I pray everyone has a blessed week celebrating the birth of our Messiah. 

Almost Paradise and Thank You's to My Wedding Angels!

Well it's crazy to say this but....I've been married 5 whole days!
Yeah, I know, not a lot really. In comparison though, I've been NOT married for 9241 days!
Now that's a lot of days!

Alright, enough with the exclamations. Today is the last day Justin and I have on our honeymoon before we start our trek back to the airport and eventually back home. We've had a really good time, but last night--though we may not have wanted to admit it--we were both homesick. When I said I wanted to go back home, Justin took no offense. But when he said he was homesick I started saying things like, "You're not having a good time with me?! :( "

Truth is, you can't live in fantasy world forever. There is never a (healthy) situation in which two people continuously exist alone in any given environment. Though my husband and I were created to love and meet each other's needs in many ways, there are other people in our lives for a reason.
I miss my friends. I miss his friends which have now become close friends of mine. I miss our puppy. I miss our church, our small group. I miss all my pianos, my piano students.
So I would say this...is ALMOST paradise.

Don't get me wrong, we have had an amazing time! Every moment special; every moment new. From watching Justin's excited face as we landed in the airplane to asking the lady at a shop downtown if she had seen my husband exit the store. We've made snowballs, we've climbed mountains, we've become repeat visitors of our favorite restaurants in the last week. We've learned the game of gin...of which I am the master ;)

This has been a glorious vacation which will be repeated with our friends (not necessarily in Steamboat Springs).

But life must go on. I have to go home and figure out how to
A) Get 30 new piano students before 2014
B) Get a substitute teaching job
C) Drag myself back into the world of retail management
until the wedding is paid off.

Who knew one day could cost $15,000?!

It was worth it though. I kept saying to everyone I talked to at the wedding, NOTHING went wrong! Like literally, there is not one thing I regret, one thing I would've changed. And even when a little mishap arose, I had so many wonderful friends and family members (and photographer) that kept everything running smoothly.

Everyone deserves an eternity of gratitude and hugs but to start here is a list of the people who helped make our day of wedded bliss forever memorable:

1. Allen Frans- I mean, he was the one who married us. From the first time Justin and Allen met, I knew I had chosen the right man. Allen, having known me since he was first married, has played a prominent role in praying for my future husband. And here we are, prayers come into fruition and it's a beautiful beautiful thing!

2. Aida Millan- Technically my aunt, mom in my heart. She literally went above and beyond anything I could have ever asked of or dreamed of! For those who were there last Saturday, everything you saw besides the people: chairs, tables, decorations, flowers, centerpieces, aisle runner, rose petals, archway...she did it all, she BROUGHT it all from Houston! That's love! Anything I needed in the 3 months of planning she was there. Even when bridezilla started to escape, she let it fly and loved me sacrificially. I will be forever grateful to everything she did for me that day!

3. Rebecca Snider- My beautiful maid of honor. There is no one like her! We had worked together for a little over a year always casual acquaintances at work. Until I left the store to work elsewhere. Then we became venting friends...you know the kind you only text to bitch about your day or your coworkers. A couple weeks after that I finally had pinned down a date for the wedding and was thinking about who my MOH would be. I didn't really know Rebecca that well at that point, but I knew she was young, single, detail oriented, had lots of free time, and loved me. As her manager for most of that first year I feel comfortable saying that I knew what I said, she would do. Not in an evil submission sort of way, but in that she respected me and I trusted that she could get things done (whatever things may be). BEST DECISION of my life! Rebecca is now one of my closest friends and I cannot imagine my life without her. From weekly planning, to late night texting, painting trees, to water moccasin skins :P  proud to call her a friend and excited to see what life has in store for her.

4. Jennifer Schmitt- My sister in love. We've only known each other a short time, but each time I see her, I love her more. I think we've already decided her and I are the only ones in the Schmitt family who will tell it like it is. Thank you for our birth control (Christian). Thank you for our awesome girl talks when you stayed at our house. And a special thank you for curling my hair 30 minutes before my wedding because I couldn't figure out how to use the freaking curling wand! lol
We both have a sister now and I wouldn't want it to be anyone but you :)

5. Shelly Cook- a precious friend who colored in all the edges. You know when you have a picture you're coloring or painting and you're not sure what it is? You just make a bold outline on every edge and before you know it, a beautiful creation has been made. Seriously thinking back, I can't remember when I became friends with Shelly. Some things I do remember are changing Serah's poopy diaper in nursery when she was about two. I wasn't quite sure what to do with pull-ups, so I just pulled them down...yeah 'nough said on that front. I also remember her husband talking me thru some pretty difficult times in my 2 weeks at ETBU in 2009. However it happened, Matt and Shelly are both very important people in my life and for my wedding, Shelly was my life saver! She made sure everyone in the wedding party walked in on time, she made sure paint was sitting by our canvas for the ceremony when it couldn't be found. I honestly don't know all the things she did, but I know my wedding was awesome partly, in thanks to her! AND she took all my bridal pictures from 2-3 posts back!

6. Chris Osip- Oh goodness, my fantastic neighbor! I didn't check out who I was living nearby when I got my house a couple years ago, but I sure hit the jackpot. You know you're in good hands when a plea for help on wedding programs (less than 24 hours before the wedding) lands Chris in your living room 15 minutes later showing you exactly what to do on a laptop she can't figure out :P
Love you so much!

I know there's lots of people I am forgetting but please know, I am so thankful for everyone who came and served and loved Justin and I on our wedding day. You will never be forgotten!
We actually didn't know there were that many people that loved us lol :)

Austin/Round Rock Festivities

Started making this for a friend visiting town and wanted to share because I think it's a pretty good tour guide!

So I know you had said you hadn't decided where you wanted to go so here's a few of my suggestions by location:

ROUND ROCK

Restaurants:

1. Chuys $
 http://chuys.com/

Seriously some of the best Tex-Mex in town! Be sure to ask for the free jalapeno ranch dip if you go (you gotta know to ask ;)

2. Tokyo Steakhouse $$$ 
http://www.tokyosteakhouseaustin.com/round-rock/#/home/

This place is AMAZING! You'll spend about $40 per person, but they cook the food in front of you and do tricks...just wonderful!

3. Fortune Garden $
http://fortunegardenrr.com/

If you're looking for good Chinese/Vietnamese food, this is the place! Really reasonable prices and large plates of food. If you like lemonade, it's fresh squeezed here...mmm mmm good.

4. Olive Garden $$
http://www.olivegarden.com/Menu/

I know it's a chain restaurant and you probably have one in Lincoln, but we frequent the one in Round Rock so much we know all the waitstaff's names...it's just good! P.S. A side order of Chicken Parmesan is $4! You have to ask specifically for that one too.

5. Rudy's BBQ $
http://www.rudysbbq.com/page/home

Good for breakfast tacos, lunch tacos, dinner tacos...coolest hand wash station!

6. Torchy's Tacos $

http://www.yelp.com/biz/torchys-tacos-round-rock

It's Texas, everyone's always trying to come out with new tacos. Well these are some of the best. My fav from here is the fried avocado taco, it's delicious!

7. Taco Shack $
http://tacoshack.com/

Again, another staple in the Austin area for yummy tacos. This place closes early though (I think 2pm) so don't make any plans for dinner here.

8. The Famous Round Rock Donuts
http://www.roundrockdonuts.com/

You're gonna have to sneak these back on the plane with you. You'll WANT to smuggle them back. Seriously, BEST combination of flour, sugar and water in the entire world. I'm not biased or anything :P

Places to See:

1. The Round Rock
http://static.logbookexplorer.com/photos/RoundRock5-large.jpg
There literally is a rock that the city is named after, since we've had some rain it should be pretty nice right now. It's right in the center of town and there's several places you can just park and walk around, great for taking pictures and any stranger you see will be glad to take your picture :)

2. Round Rock Outlet Mall/IKEA
http://www.premiumoutlets.com/outlets/outlet.asp?id=73

In the mood to spend more money?...this is the place to be. This entire shopping center (Outlets on North side of FM 1431, IKEA on South side) is filled with so many places to shop, eat, and just look around. This would be a good place to hang out around Saturday before the wedding because it's less than 10 minutes from the venue.

NORTH AUSTIN

(I make a distinction because though Downtown Austin is cooler, there's WAY less traffic in north Austin)

Restaurants:
Really if you're gonna spend time in N. Austin at all, your best bet would be to go to the shopping center called The Domain...
 http://www.simon.com/mall/the-domain
Here are some of the restaurants you'll find in this specific location:

1. Maggiano's $$$
http://www.maggianos.com/EN/Austin_Austin_TX/Pages/LocationLanding.aspx

Such delicious Italian Food! It is a little on the pricey side, but totally worth it for what you get. For every dinner entree you order, you get one to take home (and it doesn't have to be the same entree either). Great ambient setting and classy feel, dress pretty!

2. The Daily Grill $$
http://dailygrill.com/locations/daily-grill-austin-texas

Just staple American food. Shrimp, chicken, steak, pasta, good bread...one of my fav side dishes is the baked carrots in some syrupy sauce oh my that's good!

3. Gloria's $$
http://www.gloriasrestaurants.com/

Beautiful restaurant! Great margarita's and classy Mexican Food (there is a difference between Tex-Mex and Mexican ;)

4. California Pizza Kitchen $
http://www.cpk.com/

For something a little more casual, this place has a nice little pizzeria feel. I always get the mac and cheese (it's a HUGE bowl) and just to do me over,,, the fried mac & cheese bites are delish (also the cheapest food on the menu lol)

Places to See:

Really there's just shopping...lots of shopping!

Between the quiet of Round Rock and the busyness of Austin, the city just built shopping center after shopping center for those people sick of waiting in traffic lol.

1. The Domain
 http://www.simon.com/mall/the-domain

2. The Arboretum
http://www.simon.com/mall/the-arboretum
3. Gateway Shopping Center
http://www.simon.com/mall/gateway-shopping-center

DOWNTOWN AUSTIN

Restaurants:

1. Hula Hut $$
http://www.hulahut.com/#menu

Same owners as Chuy's in Round Rock, but WAAY better atmosphere. It's set on one of the lakes in Austin with indoor/outdoor seating. Would be beautiful for a sunset dinner (Friday). Parking is kinda tricky though. Your best bet is to valet ($6 I think) or just park across the street and walk, it's just a crosswalk away.

2. Cantina Laredo $$
http://www.cantinalaredo.com/

This would be best for a Sunday morning brunch. These have decently priced mimosas and a great assortment of food. The portions are a little more health conscious than most Mexican food places so eat to your heart's content! If you like guacamole be sure to order the table-side guac. They make it right in front of you! You may want to set a 3 basket of chips limit or you'll have NO room for anything else! Delicious desserts as well...one of my personal favorites hands down!

3.Austin Land and Cattle Company $$$
http://alcsteaks.com/

Oh lord, if you like steak you have to make a dinner reservation here! BEST steaks of my life!

Very large portions, very subdued atmosphere. No loud music, usually candlelit setting. No words of mine would do justice. Just try it! I promise you won't regret it.

4. Central Market $
http://www.centralmarket.com/in-store.aspx?store=austin_lamar

So this is both a place to eat at and a place to see. It's grocery shopping on a heavenly level. All sorts of cool things to check out there (besides foodstuffs) and a great cafe area to pick up whatever your heart desires...great selection and very reasonable price wise!

5. HEB $

Ok, so I just realized if you've never been to Texas...you've never been to HEB!!!!! The newest one actually just opened up in Round Rock (near the Outlet Mall & IKEA) but it's Austin, where you are never more than 10 minutes from a local HEB. The best grocery store chain around. I always go in and make meals out of the samples and delis in there.

6. Kerbey Lane $$
http://www.kerbeylanecafe.com/cafe-locations/central-2/

They have a couple locations as well. If you go, order the Kerbey Queso and don't order the lamb enchiladas. I did, not sure why I thought that would be a good idea :-/

Delicious teas and coffee, vegan and gluten free options. I had soy chorizo! Not sure how one makes soy chorizo, but it was definitely delicious!

Places to See:

1. The Capitol
http://www.tspb.state.tx.us/SPB/Plan/Tours.htm

Who doesn't love old buildings where history is being made every day?! Beautiful view as you drive down Congress Ave. I recommend parking in a garage near 15th & Congress (to avoid frustration) and either walk or use the city transportation options...horse-drawn carriages, bicycle-drawn carriages, Longhorn-drawn carriages...ok just kidding about the longhorn one lol but you get the picture.

2. Zilker Park
http://www.austintexas.gov/department/zilker-metropolitan-park

Amongst the million or so people living in Austin, this beautiful scenery is preserved and well maintained. In the summer months I'd recommend kayaking (rentals) but in the fall month simply walking through the trails and open greenery has the ability to soothe the soul. Take a kite, take a picnic, prepare to be relaxed. This may just convince you to stay in Austin forever :D

3.Bob Bullock Museum
http://www.thestoryoftexas.com/

For a little bit of fun with history, check out this place. They even have an IMAX theater that's always running cool films, even recent releases sometimes! It is mostly Texas history, but hey...Texas was almost it's own country once; it deserves a museum to itself!

Well that is only scratching the surface but I hope it gives you some ideas!

Wedding Dress Pictures