Well this alphabetically organized blog was going well for awhile, but now I don't have Facebook which means I have no where to publicly advertise my blog. So for now this will be my safe haven for my emotions.
I have no friends, I don't feel close to my family so I guess I'm left to talk to an unknown audience. Maybe it's what I need for now, but not forever.
Grey's Anatomy is the only show I've ever watched that has the capability to make me feel every emotion under the sun in under 60 minutes. I laugh with the characters jokes, cry about the unfortunate story lines and rejoice when break-throughs are made. I definitely internalize the plot much deeper than was probably intended, but it works for me. I can't go more than 2 episodes without tying some event in the show to my lack of parents. I wish they were here, I really do. I can tell people all day long that I'm a stronger person because I've learned to live without them, but at the end of the day all I wish is to have my mom brush my hair and tell me stories about guys she dated in high school and how crazy her professors were in college. I want to go fishing with my dad, deep sea fishing. Risking the possibility of getting sick just to spend some quality time with my old man and dig up creatures of the sea.
Now that I live by myself in my house I don't have the luxury of conversation with anyone in the evenings. Where previously I may have shut my door in my four bedroom/3 roommate apartment, I now dread the silence I have to come home to in my 3 bedroom home. There's no pretty paint on the walls, no silly pictures taped to the ceiling, just a plain, boring house with nothing but Pandora to lessen the silence.
Today I came to the realization that the one person I thought I could count on, the one friend I thought I'd have forever, no longer wants to speak to me. I guess I should've expected it. I have a harsh personality once I let my walls down and most people can't handle it. Therefore the lack of friends. And I don't mean that I don't have close friends, I mean I have NO ONE at all that I can call up on a Friday night just to come over and watch a movie; no one to make a fancy dinner for or go dress shopping with. It's probably time that I made some sort of effort to find friends, it's just something I've never had to do before. I always had school to provide those people for me. Now I just work. And 80% of my coworkers are over the age of 40. Not that I have anything against older people, but it would be nice to have friends my age. I don't think that's asking too much. Is it? Whatever the case, I can see my current path leading me down a road of unneeded and undeserved depression. Maybe I can halt this train before it gets too far down the road. The only option I see right now is to go to a church that has a large group of people in their 20's and get plugged into a small group. Christian friends would be nice. I haven't had those in a while either.
I use all my free time outside of work to get better on the piano. I've made the decision to audition to UT's school of music this November and now's the time to start preparing for that. It's a great stress reliever, but it doesn't satisfy me. Or at least it doesn't satiate my need for company.
Well this isn't a paper, so it's not gonna get a concise conclusion to tie everything together...just my emotions, laid out bear for whoever may stumble across this page. May you gain something from reading this.
-Brittney
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