I've really been in a writing/reading mood. I finally picked up a book for the first time in who knows how long and I've been journaling and writing blogs more often than I usually do. I think I'm just have a desperate need to communicate. Since I quit Academy back in September and especially since my wedding in November, my communication with people has been highly restricted. When once, I used to get 20 texts a day from friends having questions or wanting to hang out...now I get one or two a week.
Since I teach piano lessons, I mostly follow a teachers annual schedule, meaning I've had the last month off work. So not only have I not been making any money, but I don't see people either. I've become set in my routine of sleeping in till 10, staying in pjs until 3pm and maybe doing a few productive things around the house.
It's finally gotten to me. All this not talking. All this laziness. All this lack of productivity. I miss the days when I had 8 hours at work to talk with coworkers, argue with customers, and laugh with my managers. I miss the days when I'd sit in class struggling to stay awake and write notes to my friends just to keep my eyes open.
My mind is constantly running. I even once went to a therapist where all we focused on was slowing down my thoughts. Mindfulness, she called it.
This week I'll be starting up my piano and guitar lessons again. I'm adding two new students, brothers from a family that just moved from Tennessee. I'll be attending my first rehearsal of the Round Rock Community Choir. Friday will be a crazy day. I start my new nanny job in the morning and then after that's done, drive an hour to a family with 6 kids (1yr-9yr) and babysit for 3 hours.
This will fix a few of my problems. Lack of income and interaction with people. But I still need friends I can talk to. I am so longing to just have some sort of intellectual debate with someone. Whether it be political, philosophical, biblical....I just need to talk and reason and THINK. Since college I've felt so dumb. I feel like if I don't use my brain, I'll lose it. I even offered to help write one of my friends history papers because I was needing something to exercise my intelligence.
I feel like the only thing I'm good at right now is music. And that may be a stretch. I've gotten much better about practicing my instrument and I've had a few paid assignments sent my way which definitely require time on the keys, but there's still something missing. I really am not sure what. Maybe I want to be in a band. Maybe I want to write music. Maybe I want to get better at guitar. Maybe I want to learn a new instrument. God, I just wish I knew! The verse that's been circling around in my head for awhile is that God gives us the desires of our heart. But what if I don't know what I desire. I don't know what will fulfill me. I don't know what will make me feel satisfied. I don't know what purpose I serve.
I have been blessed with so many things and yet I'm always wanting to acquire more things. The other day Justin said something totally unexpected to me. He said something like "You know, it's like that guy Solomon said, you could have all the things in the world and it still won't make you happy". Oh what a wonderful thing that Justin is using biblical references to make a point. That alone puts a huge smile on my heart. But in retrospect, my biggest downfall is my impulsive spending. I got my first credit card when I was 18 and since then I have spent close to $30,000 in STUFF. Things that don't matter...clothes, purses, CDs, books, furniture, clothes, clothes, movies. Seriously, none of that is worth the stress I've put myself thru now in having to pay all that back.
So the plan...accountability. I'm giving all my store cards and all but one of my credit cards to Justin. And every time I feel the need to buy something (excluding gas/food etc) I'll just text him and let him know. If he thinks I don't need it or it's just an impulsive buy, he'll let me know and I walk out of the store. I'm hoping this works. No, I'm praying this works. If we ever want to have kids in our 20s I'm going to need to get this spending shit down. I'm so good at home doing my excel budget spreadsheets but in Michael Kors all I want is that precious new handbag. And you know Victoria's Secret always has a good sale going on. The killer one for me is Kohl's. Oh, but everything is 15%, 20%, 30% off! And I have a coupon....fuck coupons...they are the death of me. Convincing me that I'm saving money when I had to spend $400 to use it. There's a funny episode on the office where there's some sort of contest and the winner gets a coupon book worth up to $15,000. Oscar, in accounting, makes the statement that you'd have to spend $200,000 to actually save that much. Marketing and advertising people are good at what they do. That's for sure.
Honestly, I don't have a point in today's blog. Just another rambling of thoughts. Because it's much faster to type this all up on my computer than to write in my journal. And when I post it on my Facebook I know at least one person will read it.
I'm hoping with some of the new events I've added to my weekly schedule I will find what I've been missing. I'm hoping that with more accountability on my spending, I will learn how to save more than I spend. I'm hoping that every night I fall asleep I remember that the one who loves me the most is laying right beside me and is willing to help me every step of the way.
Have a blessed week and know that you are loved :)
